I wrote the following post last night while I was at work. It was actually a reply to a post in an online conversation I was having with another mother who's child has autism. I thought it belonged here as well.
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I keep telling myself Jesse is the same little boy he was before February 1st. Just because he has a diagnosis, or a label, doesn't change who he is. But after thinking about it, and I KNOW my son wasn't born like this. I KNOW that shit started happening around 6 months of age, and I have a feeling his diet plays a role in this (among other things, perhaps). So I'm kind of left wondering how much of Jesse is JESSE and how much of it is the PDD? I feel like my son is being obscured this....whatever you want to call it....disorder/illness/whatever it is.
I tried to get him to look at me today. I held him (he wanted to be picked up) and asked him to look at me. He shook his head and avoided making any eye contact. The only way he'd look at my eyes was if I asked him "Where are Mommy's eyes?" and he'd point to them and then look away again. That's not my son. We used to gaze into each others eyes (when we were nursing or cuddling or playing). Something has changed. And I think that's one of the reasons why I've been so stunned. Jesse was always "normal." This change has happened so slowly over the past year to 18 months that I've barely noticed it. When his Dr. Crosbie (the neurologist) told me after the assessment that he doesn't make eye contact, I was floored. He always had made eye contact. Even with our GP, he always made eye contact so she was sure that autism wasn't a concern.
So I don't know if Jesse *is* still Jesse. This is really eating at me. I feel like I'm losing my little boy.
I tried to get him to look at me today. I held him (he wanted to be picked up) and asked him to look at me. He shook his head and avoided making any eye contact. The only way he'd look at my eyes was if I asked him "Where are Mommy's eyes?" and he'd point to them and then look away again. That's not my son. We used to gaze into each others eyes (when we were nursing or cuddling or playing). Something has changed. And I think that's one of the reasons why I've been so stunned. Jesse was always "normal." This change has happened so slowly over the past year to 18 months that I've barely noticed it. When his Dr. Crosbie (the neurologist) told me after the assessment that he doesn't make eye contact, I was floored. He always had made eye contact. Even with our GP, he always made eye contact so she was sure that autism wasn't a concern.
So I don't know if Jesse *is* still Jesse. This is really eating at me. I feel like I'm losing my little boy.
Goodness, hon. I can't imagine. You have been on my mind and heart constantly these past two weeks. Let me know if there is anything in the world that I can do.
ReplyDelete:( <3
ReplyDeleteAmber It's Alyson from Po and the Mamas.
ReplyDeleteI think I might be the mom you are referring to. I feel the same way about Cullen when I look back. My saying the diagnosis doesn't change who he is was more of me saying that I view Cullen as a boy who has Autism not that Cullen is Autistic. Does that make any sense? He is still my Cullen. The same boy he was before that October day.
Believe me when I tell you the change happened so gradual for us as well. This is a child who was saying the word "hi" at 9 mos. At 2 I was concerned of a Speech delay and then within 2 mos he had such a "language explosion" that I let it go for a bit. The other issues were so gradual that I didn't even see it(or maybe didn't want to) until shortly after Finn was born.(again easy to blame on new baby) I had to step back and not only look at what the other kids of my own were like at this age but at kids close in age to Cullen before I really saw there was a serious problem.
I go every single day in my head what could have caused this. It makes me angry and sad. I just picked up a new book called "My Brother Charlie" to read to my kids. It is about a boy with Autism and I dissolved into tears as I tried to read it to them and my 9 and 7 yr old took turns reading it for me. Not quite sure where I am going with all of this..lol Just know that you are not alone (((HUGS)))