Finally

For the last 5 weeks since Jesse's diagnosis, I've been cycling through avoidance and denial. Usually, when it's something that affects my child, I dive in head first and research the hell out of it. Not this time. I'm not sure why. Maybe because I don't want to admit that this is really happening. Perhaps because I'm afraid of what I'll find out. In the meantime, I've been going through the motions...scheduling appointments, going to doctor's offices, therapy appointments, meeting with the social worker to get the autism intervention program started, posting job ads. I also have my little project on my other blog There's Snow Place Like Home that's kept me busy. Kept my mind off of the big, fat elephant in the room.

But I couldn't avoid it forever.

These past couple of weeks I've been messaging back and forth with another mama with a son who has a son just a couple of months older than Jesse. She found this blog and realized that Jesse sounded very much like her little boy. She decided to get the ball rolling and get some evaluations. And even now, even before a diagnosis (or not, depending on the outcome of the evals) she has been researching the heck out of this. And our discussions have made me start to question things. We're all set to hire an ABA home therapist and do the training ourselves, yet we don't even know if this is going to help Jesse. We don't even know if this is going to HURT Jesse. I feel like I've let my son down, in a way, by going with the flow, and not figuring this stuff out for myself. I didn't go with the flow during my pregnancy. I didn't go with the flow during his birth. I didn't go with the flow when all the doctors were telling me Jesse was fine. So why now?

So I've started researching. As of last night, I started reading a blog this other mama linked me to, called A Little Bit Autistic. I haven't read it all yet...I'm starting from the beginning. And I can't say that I agree with all, or even very much of, what this blogger writes (though I have to say, I admire her honesty, her intellect, and her determination in finding the most appropriate treatment for her son). But this blog has given me a ton of food for thought, and provided links to some awesome resources. I've watched a lecture given by Temple Grandin on High Functioning Autism (HFA) and Asperger's (posted to Youtube). Some of what she said early in the lecture regarding sensory issues really struck me. (I'll post more on this in the coming day or so.) All of this has also given me the motivation to start reading the books I've ordered. I'm starting with Changing the Course of Autism. So far I've gotten through the Foreward, written by Katie Wright, daughter of the founders of Autism Speaks. What she has written has taken my breath away. Her son was also developing normally, and then suffered regression that lead to an autism diagnosis. He suffered with sleep issues, waking hourly overnight, and gastrointestinal issues, such as horrible diarrhea and food strikes. But the fact that, with the right care, her son is now making leaps and bounds in his development, is very reassuring, and gives me hope.

So, suffice it to say, I've finally dug my head out of the sand and I'm gearing myself up to face this head on. Not because I want to, but because I need to.